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Message #1136 of 1287  *NEW*
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Rob Reed  
New syndrome for adoptive parents in the modern era?
1/13/07, 9:26pm (Last Edited: 1/13/07, 9:28pm)
graphic
I was reading through the adoption blogosphere, and I found some comments from a high-profile adoptive parent blogger -- who shall remain nameless -- who seems to be having extremely guilty feelings about the adoption (even though it is open).

Of all the talk about adoptee loss and natural parent loss, there is no talk about a new loss among adoptive parents in the current era. No longer is adoptive parent loss limited to infertility, if that was a substantial reason for the adoption.

Now, there is most definitely an undercurrent of adoptive parent guilt for participating in the adoption process AT ALL, solely because the methods of the agency may not have been completely on the "up and up" (i.e., according to the dictates of current adoption reform proponents). EVEN when the adoptive parent has a very open adoption.

I can understand this to some extent. For instance, what kind of questions can you ask the agency about their conversations when contact with the natural parents was limited or not at all? Or, if there was contact, how can an adoptive parent be absolutely sure that coercive tactics were not used? Answer: you can't.

I feel very sad for this adoptive parent. My advice would be to stop this person's adoption blog entirely and stop reading this stuff. It has been enormously helpful, but the negativity is getting VERY old. And, fast.

I am going to make it a late New Year's resolution to do the same.

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"Treat the Earth not as if it was given to you by your parents, but as if it was lent to you by your children." - Kenyan Proverb

"The power of accurate observation is often called cynicism by those that do not have it." - George Bernard Shaw
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Message #1137 of 1287  *NEW*
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Rob Reed
BestLight
Is guilt a given for adoptive parents?
1/14/07, 11:27am (Last Edited: 1/14/07, 11:46am)
There can be a lot of pain-dwelling from every corner of the adoption triad.

There are so many ways each of us involved in an adoption can view the experience. The blogger you mention, and some others, view adoption as a zero-sum game (said colloquially -- I don't see adoption as a "game," really). In other words, for one person to "win," someone else has to "lose." One woman ends up holding a baby in her arms, and her counterpart feels unending grief.

I do not share this view. Instead, I feel that both of my children's birthmothers came to our relationship needing/wanting something, as did I. We helped each other out: I became a mom to the two best kids in the world, and our children's birthmothers found the best way out of a tough situation (according to their own judgment). I know that DD's birthmother would agree, and DS's might, as well.

Do I feel blessed? lucky? fortunate? fulfilled? Yes. Guilty? No.

And that, I believe, will help my children better process their own feelings about adoption.

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Message #1138 of 1287  *NEW*
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Rob Reed  
Re: Is guilt a given for adoptive parents?
1/15/07, 12:09pm
graphic
>And that, I believe, will help my children better process
>their own feelings about adoption.

Exactly. One of the major concerns I have about this blogger is that these guilty feelings could directly affect the child's feelings about adoption -- in a very negative way.

--------------------------------------------------------
"Treat the Earth not as if it was given to you by your parents, but as if it was lent to you by your children." - Kenyan Proverb

"The power of accurate observation is often called cynicism by those that do not have it." - George Bernard Shaw
--------------------------------------------------------

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